Tuesday, July 15, 2008

heartbroken and helpless

For four years he has been my companion, my source of unconditional love, my welcoming wagging smile and loyal friend. I've always said that truly I didn't rescue him, he rescued me. Over and over he's rescued me from sadness and depression, loneliness and doubt. His big brown eyes looking up at me, and his long nose resting on my knee, I can't help but smile every time.
My sweet greyhound Monty was diagnosed with a cancerous osteosarcoma tumor in his leg yesterday. The vet wanted to amputate his leg, but his other rear leg isn't strong enough to support his body after having surgery due to a track injury years ago. The amputation would have been for pain management only, as they're quite certain the cancer has already spread. It's not showing up in a lung xray performed, but the doctor said that once a tumor presents itself to a noticeable size, it's already spread elsewhere in the body. At this point all we can do is manage his pain with medication, until it gets to be too much for him, and then we'll have to make the most painful decision of our lives.
He is resting most of the day, drifting in and out of sleep. He's still eating now, especially as i'm adding eggs and garlic powder.....his favorite things. It may not be long, weeks or even days until he can't eat anymore. The cancer and pain overtaking him.
He'll let us know. That's what people keep telling me, that and that I should enjoy every minute and day we have left with him. It's hard to enjoy anything though, knowing he's most likely in pain, despite the medications. All I can do is cry. He's my baby, my only child, and I'm going to lose him. I'm helpless and heartbroken.
I'm sitting here, watching him breath in and out, drifting in and out of sleep. In his moments of wake he stares at me with those big brown eyes, and still manages to smile in his greyhound way. I'm trying so very hard to be strong, to not let him see my tears. The only thing that seems to be getting stronger though is my arms, as I carry him up and down the stairs.
My Monty is so very sweet, and life is so very unfair. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I hope that "they're" right and that he will tell us when he is ready, because I'll never be ready. I want to hold on to him forever, but I know I can't.


Blogger CORI said...

I think we were separated at birth. Your blog profile reads a lot like mine, and if I were blonde and beautiful, I'd be you (and half of Hollywood). I thought you might be interested in my Feb. 11th blog. At least you have time to prepare. Although, I really don't know which is worse. Good luck with your Monty.


July 15, 2008  
Anonymous John said...

Chels - as tough as it sounds he will let you know. The hardest thing I ever had to do was come to grips with that with the dog that I grew up with, but one day she looked at us with those great brown eyes and said "I'm not having fun anymore." When he tells you this you have to fight the urge to not listen. The blessing and the curse of dogs are that they are completely dependent on you.

Enjoy the time you have left, spoil him absolutely rotten and let his time with you be the thing he brags about in heaven with all the other dogs. Hang in there - thoughts and good wishes are coming your way.

July 15, 2008  
Blogger ~ Maggie Crawford ~ said...

he will tell you ... sending you much strength ... i am in tears with you .

July 19, 2008  
Blogger Ki said...

I'm so sorry Chelsea... (((HUGS)))

July 25, 2008  

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